The Let-Go Season

I measure my life in two different calendar systems:  the school calendar and the annual calendar.  I know: it gets confusing.

This last school year was a doozy.  To recap the highlights, our oldest daughter moved to a new high school three weeks into the school year.  We moved her from the only school she had known.  The only school we had known.  It was hard, but it was easy.  It was hard to let go of the dream that she would graduate from there.  It was easy to let go because she was so miserable where she was.  We were miserable too.

That move to a new school ushered into a whole new world for us: a new psychologist, a new counselor, and new medicines.  It opened my eyes to a new possibility for her and shuttered my long-held dream.  Truthfully, she has always struggled.  I tried to make things work.  We tried so hard with her on so many different paths and ways.  When I finally let go of my dream that she would graduate from this one school, I gained breathing room.

Oh, it did not relieve all the stress.  In some ways, that move to a new school opened another Pandora’s box of problems.  It revealed the depth of her problems/issues that she faces.  My girl is an exceedingly smart one who seems way older than her fifteen years.  On paper, she is an average student.  To talk to her is scary.  She is so much like her dad-my husband.  She is a box.  I mean a straight up box.  Just like him.  With such box-like thinking and mandates that I sometimes laugh at the parallels.  She is wonderful, and she drives me batty.  She is an Aspy too.  That’s a code for Aspergers Syndrome, a now defunct diagnosis for a high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder kiddo.  Aspy kids are hard to raise and equally hard to understand.  The world wants to make them conform to fit, but I believe they are a gift to the world.  They are born to stand out.

So my other two kiddos stayed put in the old school.  We lived in a parallel universe.  One kid on one academic schedule and two others on another one.  It wasn’t just the hourly schedule that differed, but it was utterly opposite on many levels.  That level of a difference made us reconsider schooling options for the younger two.   We choose two new schools for them based on their academic and social needs.  It was easy to choose.  It was hard to let go.

So, now during our summer, I find myself in the let-go season.  Letting go of many things that I held dear.  Things that I thought would last for such a long time.  Some were easier once I decided to take the leap of letting go.  Others I am still mourning.  A dear friend said I would grieve over the next year.  Her experience is that you miss the familiar and mourn what you lost, but paradoxically you embrace the new and welcome the unknown.   She says not to forget that your kids grieve too.  Many times they are just as ready for change as you are.   Note to self:  good things to know.

Also in this season of let go, there is space to embrace.  As I venture back into weekly blog writing, we will talk more about “space to embrace.”

Happy Fourth my friends.

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